I'm crazy

I really think I am losing my mind. I snap at everyone and have these satanic moments where I just yell for no reason. People keep pissing me off. Who you ask...well...

1. Chris: He is not making it easy for me to be without him. A few months and he is still going strong with the tke me backs and the i love yous. That fucking hard to deal with. I just end up yelling at him and hanging up. ( I will not take him back. Not now anyway. I don't think we are supposed to be together right now, or that he should have to deal with me because I'm in the middle of a long mental breakdown.)

2. Charlie: He went to Nashville last weekend liking me more than words can say, and came back with hickies and sex stories that I did not want to hear. To make it worse, he let me know that it was going to happen again. It's like Chris broke me and Charlie stepped on the pieces. He kicked me while I was down.

3. Heather: She has been cheating on Chris since January and he has dumped her once already for it and she wanted him back...so they got back together. She is still with that guy (who is 15 no less) and when her b/f got the phone bill he saw that they were still talking and dumped her again. Now she wants him back. Why the hell is she cheating on him if she wants to be with him so bad, and why do i have to listen to it?

4. Sarah: We had a good day today, but she has this new b/f and she never hangs with me anymore but complains because i "deserted" her.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Lonely

So yes, Chris and I are broken up. It has been two months and it is just now getting hard. He has stopped calling, begging, asking etc. I have my friends and I have Charlie around all of the time, but I am still alone. I feel alone. I don't know what to do. I called Chris just to talk but he wouldn't answer and now his phone is off. He is my family and my best friend, and even though we aren't together in that way anymore doesn't mean we can't still be friends. He is all I have for the past four years and I really don't know what to do without him.I cry everyday, sometimes multipletimes and i drink alot. It is ecoming a problem because it is affecting my school work. I miss my best friend. I miss my family. I want to be home which is with him, but if I do that, then I'm afraid I still won't be happy.There is always something missing...but now I actually know what it is. Another thing is, I don't want to be serious with ANYONE until I know I won't do this to them like I did to Chris. I don't know how he has put up with me for so long, but I guess he is done. I love him more than anything and wish that I could fix things between us. I just need a real friend and he is all I have. I'm pathetic. And I'm a mess. I wish I could fix myself. I wish I knew how.